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January 2001 Jokes of the Week

Week 1

Hotline to HELL!

Contributed by Anon; Source:

When Mahathir was visiting Singapore, PM Goh thought he'd show the M'sian Premier Singapore's Telecommunication capabilities. As the M'sian entourage was touring SingTel's corporate HQ, being shown all it's new telecom technology, Dr. M noticed a strange telephone sitting in one corner of the room.

Walking over, he found the phone glowed dark red, and had weird occultic symbols where numbers ought to be. He turned to ask the SingTel representative what it was. The rep stiffened momentarily, then answered, 'It's a hotline to hell, Dr Mahathir.'

Curious, Dr M wanted to give it a try. Picking up the handset, he heard a rumbling demonic voice, 'Please deposit S$10,000 for the first minute.' When Dr. M returned home, he called up the Minister responsible for telecommunications and told him of his discovery. The minister then said, 'Oh, we have that too, sir. We just don't like to talk about it.'

'Let me see it.' said Dr. M. So the minister brought Dr M. to see the phone. Sure enough, there was the same deep red phone with the symbols. Picking up the phone, he heard the same demonic voice announce, 'Please deposit 50 sen for the first minute.' Surprised, Dr M. asked the minister why the call was so cheap compared to Singapore.

The minister replied, 'Oh, here it's a local call.'

Week 2

Show me your ticket

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets. When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Week 3

Three conditions

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.

After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.".

Week 4

"Secrets to making marriage last"

A blonde walks into a bar and looks around. There is no pool table, no dart board, no juice box. She asked the bar tender,"What do you guys do for fun around here."

The bar tender picks up a bat a walks over to an ape in the coner of the room. He hits it over the head and it goes crazy. It jumps all over the place. Then it runs to the bar tender and gives him a blow job. After the bar tender cleaned up the mess he started to hand the bat to the blond. He said," you want to give it a try."

The blonde looks at him and goes," Ok just don't hit me to hard!".

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